Till The End of Time
by trueloveexists99
Summary: I suck at summaries and I'm not even sure this is great writing! But here goes. Jay and Erin fight for a love that can last till the end of time, even when life throws a few curveballs. A continuation of 4x17.
1. Chapter 1

A/N- This is my first story, one that I'm sure isn't even good. I am generally pretty private about my writing, but after 4x17, I need to share my imagination.

 **Chapter 1:**

It had been a week.

It honestly felt more than that.

I could always feel his eyes on me. Trying to gage whether I was okay. Whether his words, his leaving, left me damage.

Hank knew something was going on. Hell, virtually the whole district knew something had happened. Burgess keeps asking, hoping that the close bond we have recently formed means that I can talk to her about this.

But if I am being honest, I can't talk to her. I can't even talk to Hank. Because if I admit, even out loud, that I am scared that I let just about the best damn thing to happen to me walk out the door, it makes it real.

And I can't let it be real.

I slam my desk phone back on its hanger. Another lead disproven. We just caught a new case; two girls were raped and murdered within a day of each other. We are still trying to determine whether the two cases were related. But with constant dead ends, we are growing restless, the feeling of being incompetent creeping up within each of us.

I can feel him. I always feel him. It was our thing; I always knew he was around, even without seeing him. I look down to a fraying lace on my boots, taking deep, calming breaths. I knew he wanted to ask whether I was okay, but I could see his trepidation, his concern.

I needed air. I got up, walking to the break room. Leaning against the counter I again to prepare myself a cup of coffee. I honestly lost count on how many I've had already today. It was just as I was adding the sugar that I felt him come in.

"Hey," he says slowly

I could only nod.

"Are you okay? You were a bit angry back there," he asks.

"Thought I had a lead. Went cold," I say softly.

I lift my head up, staring at his face, almost getting lost in his ocean-green eyes. I could see the conflict arising within him. He was deciding whether he should ask. I decided to put him out of his misery.

"Just ask," I whisper softly.

He looks at me intently. As if he was trying to judge whether I truly meant what I said, before finally deciding to just ask.

"How have you been?" he asked softly

"Shit"

I figured brutal honesty suited this situation

"Erin…" his voice was laced with pain, his heart breaking at every word that was shared.

I clench my hands into fists, leaning on the bench with them.

"You don't get to ask me how I am!" I bite back at him. He begun to open his mouth, but I felt there was more that I needed to say.

"You want me to be honest? Well, I've been shit. I roll over in the middle of the night, expecting you to be there, but you're not. I wake to the alarm, because your incessant need to play the radio in the morning when you make breakfast no longer does the job. I fucking miss you!"

"This is hard on me too Erin," he passionately states.

"Then come home!" I yell.

My eyes shot to the doorway, where are gruff voice cleared their throat.

"If you two are done bringing your personal lives too work, we have business to attend to," Hank gruffly comments.

I looked past Hank's shoulder, noticing we had gained the attention of the entire bullpen. They all looked down in shame. I shouldn't have yelled at him….at least not when the people we work with are present.

"Sorry Sarge, won't happen again," I said whilst quickly shuffling out of the room.

I could feel the tears wanting to escape. I sprint to the locker room, not really caring who followed. I burst through the locker room door, rushing to the sink, splashing water on my face. It felt like ice on my reddened skin.

A soft voice startles; "Are you okay?"

I turn around to face her, trying to unsuccessfully wipe away any evidence that I had been crying.

"No, not really."

"Would you want to talk about it?" Burgess asked politely

I shake my head solemnly, but the tears that I had washed away, came flooding back.

"I miss him!" my voice breaking with each word

"Oh Erin," Burgess pulls me into a tight hug, almost crushingly.

"I shouldn't have yelled at him, I told him it was okay to ask me," I sob uncontrollable in her shoulder

"I wish there was something that I could say, that would make you feel better, that would make you both feel better. But there isn't," she says softly, petting my hair like a mother does to their child.

"I just want him to come home."

After our moment in the locker room, Kim helped me clean up, allowed me to make myself presentable.

We were listening to Hank brief us before allowing us to roll out.

"You all know what to do. You keep each other safe and make sure everyone comes home tonight," gruffly Hank said.

I was about to load up in the GMC with Atwater, when Hank grabs me by the arm.

"Are you okay to be out there today," he questions

I reply with an abrupt fine, but I can tell by his face that he doesn't buy it.

"What I walked in on in the Break Room today, is that going to affect your judgement?"

"I said I'm fine Hank!" At this point I was beginning to become annoyed.

He lets go of my arm, allowing me to walk towards the GMC, but I turn when I hear him quietly say something back.

The thing about Hank Voight is that it takes a great deal of effort for him to be kind and calm towards people, unless your family. But ever since Justin, I haven't see this side of him. So, what he says to me, catches me off my already fragile guard.

"Are you two going to be okay?"

I stare at him shocked, unable to believe he just asked me that. He can obviously tell my shock and continues with his question.

"All I am saying is that, I wouldn't have given you the green light, wouldn't have accepted that fact that I was no longer the first person you would run to when things went bad, if I didn't believe that you two wouldn't make," he states matter-of-factly.

I'm glad Jay had already left with Ruzek, because I don't know what I would do if he was here to hear this conversation.

Hank shuffles closer, superiority and power radiating within his stride. He softly places his rough, calloused hand on my shoulder.

"He loves you kid, I would bet my life on it"

Thanks For Reading

Please Review...and be brutally honest.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** First, I want to thank everyone so very much for their reviews, they were so kind and encouraging. Second, thank-you to everyone who subscribed to this story. For someone who has never shared their writing, it almost made cry to know that other people enjoyed my work. Thirdly, I was listening to _Helium_ by Sia when I was writing this, so I take no blame if it is sad.

I also had people ask if I could switch the P.O.V between Erin and Jay. I'll see how this chapter goes and if works, I will keep the alternating P.O.V

The reason as to why this chapter is back-to-back is because I was amazed by all your kind words. However, I am busy in school so I am going to try and stick to a once a week update. Hope this is okay.

 **Chapter 2:**

Jay's P.O.V

The car came to a sudden halt, with my body already half-way out of the car. I could hear Ruzek tell me to wait, but the sounds of gunshot reverberating past my ears only allowed adrenaline to surge through my tired body.

On our way to our freshly caught lead, a call came over through Dispatch, stating that there were reported shots fired at the exact location we were already rushing to. Ruzek and I already had a decent 10 minute ahead start of the rest team, meaning we got there first.

I could hear Voight's gruff voice through the radio strapped to my vest; "Halstead, wait for back-up!"

His words passed through me. All I could see was a rapist responsible for the murder's of two innocent girls, getting away. I pushed through the pain creeping through my exhausted body; I hadn't sleep for more than five hours in an entire seven-day period.

I feel could my lungs burning, screaming for a reprieve. But I pushed through the pain. I was closing the distance between Bembley, our suspect, and I knew Ruzek was only a few metres behind me.

But I didn't quite feel safe. Because it wasn't _her_ that had my back.

I wish I could take back the past week. I wish I could take back that night eight years ago. I was a coward, walking out on her. She's had people walk out her entire life. I always thought I could be the person she could depend on, till our very last breath, but I broke that trust. I broke us.

I know that Hank knows something, or at least understands that we are no longer on stable ground. I just don't know if Erin told him everything.

Will says that I need to suck it up and fight for the girl that I love. But I can't. Not until I short through all the shit that is swarming in my brain.

I see a flash of silver and before I can comprehend what has happened, a load shot rings out.

"Erin!" I struggle to softly gasp out

The last thing I hear is her soft angelic voice, screaming my name through my radio.

I could hear my name being called, an intense pressure across my face, as if I was slapped. I could begin to hear Ruzek's panicked voice ring through my ears.

"Come on buddy! You're okay!"

"Ruzek, we are two minutes out! What the hell happened?' said Hank in a panicked state

"He okay, vest caught the bullet. He just was knocked out by the pressure."

In my semi-conscious state, I could hear laboured breathing on the end of the radio. I was going to make a perverted comment, but I knew exactly who it belonged too.

With my eyes still closed, I pulled my radio closer to my face, activating and gave my team the all clear to breath. Gave her the all clear to breath.

"Nothing like a good ole' few pounds of pressure to get the heart pumping again."

I could hear Atwater share a chuckle to the rest of us.

Ruzek held out his arm, pulling me up with great strength.

"Bro, you had us worried there for a second,' he commented with sincerity

"You had my back, I wasn't worried,' I reply with a smirk.

The rest of intelligence arrived within the next 30 seconds.

"Halstead!" said Hank, barking at me

I froze for a millisecond, before turning around to face him; "Yeah Sarge?"

"Do you have any idea how stupid you are for going after our suspect, with no back-up, even if I told you repeatedly to wait with Ruzek until back-up arrive."

"Ruzek was my back-up!" as I said this, I searched for her eyes, seeing them consumed with pain, anger and guilt before she reverted them away.

"I don't care! Wait means wait Halstead! I thought after 4 years you would understand that orders are meant to be followed. Oh, but wait, you're the fucking poster child for not following my orders!"

There was an echoing silence that surrounded us. I could see everyone look down, wishing they didn't have to be here for this conversation. I was prepared to have this conversation, I just didn't think our whole unit would be witness to it.

"Get your arse to Med and get checked out. Make sure you're not actually dying," Hank said after the silence became all to consuming.

I began to leave without complaint, but not before stopping next to her. I could see that she wanted to say something. Her eyes itching to search mine for answer. I decided to put her out of her misery and softly grabbed her hand.

I haven't touched in over a week. Not since the night I left. There have been many occasions where I wanted to just reach out and kiss her, but I couldn't. It wouldn't feel right. But her hands still felt the same; warm and comforting. Almost as if they were home.

"I'm sorry…I'm okay," I whisper quietly to her.

I can see her nod her head before she pulls her hand away.

 **Chicago Med Trauma Room**

I can see that Will is trying not to judge. But he has seen me at my worst the last five days and he knows that something is going on.

"You were a sharp-shooter in the Rangers and you're a damn good cop, so why didn't you see that he had a gun?" Will questions softly

I inhale deeply, although it hurts to do so.

"I wasn't focused," I reply embarrassingly

"You were thinking about Erin, weren't you?" he fires back

"Yes, and no."

"I have known you my entire life Jay Halstead and I have seen many girlfriends of yours come and go, but Erin Lindsey, she is worth fighting for, so why can't you just fight for her?" he asks forcibly.

"It's more complicated than that Will," I reply slightly aggressive

"No! It is simple. Love is simple. A love that you and Erin share is beautiful, so why won't you fight for it!"

"BECAUSE I'M NOT WORTH FIGHTING FOR!"

"Jay…" Will tries to say, almost regretting that he brought this conversation up.

" I know that you know about the nightmares. I've been sleeping on your couch for the last week. But you want to know what they're about? I dream about all the PTSD that I have managed to supress, surging forward again. I have this one consistent nightmare that Erin is in danger, but not because of dangerous criminal, but because of me. Believe me, I want to let her in. I want nothing more than for her to know that I can talk to her. But I can't, because I am scared that once I do, she will never look at me the same."

"Jay…" Will whispers softly.

"I left our home, a place where I feel like I truly belong, because I am worried that if the nightmares come back, which they already have, that I'm going to end up chocking the love of my life to death. So no Will, I don't think it is as simple as what you think it is."

There is an uncomfortable silence between us.

"Are you done?" I ask, referring to my exam.

"Yeah. Look Jay, I'm so-" he starts

"Don't. Just don't," I reply before leaving the exam room.

In my haste exit from the trauma room and my somewhat overbearing brother, I don't know see Dr Charles until it's too late and the file he is carrying, which by the way, is odd in a hospital whose charts are operated by technology, splutters to the fall.

"Sorry about that Doc," I say as I begin to help him pick up the jumbled paperwork

"It's alright Jay, you looked a bit preoccupied and didn't see me coming. It understandable," he replies

I finish collecting his papers before handing them back to him. An uncomfortable silence hangs between us.

"Please tell me if this is intrusive, or out-of-line, but I couldn't help but overhear you and Will's conversation. And I just wanted to let you know that my door's always open," Dr Charles said kindly.

"Ah, thanks for the offer, but I'm ah, I'm okay. I like to sort out stuff on my own. No offence, the work you do is amazing, but it's ah…it's not for me," I reply, stuttering throughout.

The Doc nods is his head understandable, but I can see his hesitation to let me leave. I nod my head in thanks, before I shuffle around him. I stop when I hear him say something

"Other people were created so we don't have to walk this Earth alone," he said in an affirmative manner, before turning and walking to the nurse's stations.

I swallowed his advice and I stood frozen in the middle of the E.R. The buzzing of my phone in my pocket pulled me out of my funk.

 ** _From Hank Voight, 16:31pm_**

 _My office. Now._

I hastily replied before quickly heading to the parking garage, where Ruzek dropped off my car.

After an un-Platt like conversation, where she asked if I was okay, I made my way up the bullpen steps after buzzing myself in. The pain in my chest protesting with every step.

There wasn't a soul in sight, the only evidence that someone was here was the light created by Voight's office. I slowly made my way towards the office, dreading every step, yet internally preparing myself for the arse kicking I was about to receive.

Voight's head nodded for me to come, even though I had yet to knock on the doorframe. I sink slowly into the chair, waiting for him to finish writing his report.

"Tell me if this sounds accurate; Detective Jay Halstead's actions, though somewhat justified, were erratic, irresponsible and down-right stupid," he says as he reviews his words, before looking at me pointedly, waiting for my answer.

"They sound about right. But you can't tell me that anybody else in this unit would do it differently," I reply defensively.

"You don't get to pull that crap Halstead. What you did today was just stupid. You weren't focused and I know very well why," he states accusingly

"So Erin and I are going through a rough patch! We are still here, doing our jobs—"

"You bloody weren't doing your job when you decided to bring your problems to work and share them to everyone in the breakroom!"

"It's none of your damn business Hank!" I reply angrily.

"You bet it's my business. I'm your damn boss." Hank has stood at this point, leaning against the cupboard behind his desk.

"What's the point of telling you. I'll just end-up the bad guy, regardless of whether I did the right thing or not," I say pointedly.

"You walked out on her. You know better than anyone, that she has had people walk out on her, her entire life. I thought you were a better man than that!" said Voight, past the point of remaining calm.

"You have no right to pull that crap on me. I KNOW THAT I SHOULDN'T OF LEFT!" I yell, standing up out of my chair, pacing in the tiny room.

"THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE?" he yells back almost immediately.

"BECAUSE I AM BROKEN!" I scream back at him.

He stares at me, silence falling between us.

"I'm broken. With a hell of lot of baggage. I know that Erin has baggage. Hell, I even helped her get rid of some. She has made so much progress, I can't set her back. I won't do that to her."

"She's stronger than she looks Halstead. She can handle whatever you tell her."

"Really. Do you think that she could handle the fact that after I came home from my second tour, I took a bottle of pills with alcohol, hoping it could take away the pain of losing friends? Do you think that she can handle the fact that I almost choked my best friend to death when he tried to wake me from a nightmare, all because I thought he was the enemy?"

"Halstead…" he says, almost in a whisper.

"I will not put that on her. Not after all that she has been through and the progress she has made."

"That's what a relationship is about. You tell each other things. The good, bad and ugly. You may not think she can handle it, but I do," he states matter-of-factly.

"I can't," I reply stubbornly.

Before Voight replies, he moves towards me.

"I am going to tell you what I told Erin. I wouldn't have given you the green light, if I didn't think the love you two shared was worth fighting for."

I stare at him, gobsmacked at his honesty.

"I'm not going to tolerate the airing of personal business in my break-room. So sort it out elsewhere! But Halstead, the love you and Erin share, that is worth fighting for. Don't give up on that."

We continue to stare at each other, before he dismisses me with a nod.

"Don't come back for the next two days. What you may have done was utterly stupid, but your still injured," he states before moving back to his chair to sit down.

I stare at him one final time before making my haste exit. I'm just at the bullpen steps when I hear my phone buzz. I pull up my phone, seeing a text from Will.

 ** _From Will Halstead, 17:46pm_**

 _I'm sorry for the things said. Erin was here, asking for you. I told you she could find you at Molly's after your talk with Hank._

 _Thought you would want to know._

She asked for me.

I haven't damaged our love just yet.

Looks like I have one final stop before I head home.

I've been standing outsides _Molly's_ doors for the last 10 minutes. I've seen pretty much all of Firehouse 51, asking if I was okay. If I wanted to come in for a drink.

But, I've just been standing here, mentally preparing myself for what I wanted to say.

I'm just about to go in when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn and see Kim's face.

She whispers a quick good-luck and plants a small kiss on my cheek, before she goes in.

"I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." I take a deep breath and walk through the door.

I wish I hadn't.

I can find her straight away. Her light and warmth always allows me to find her. So when I find her not alone, but instead laughing with another guy, I panic and sharply gasp.

It was in that moment that I regret that we have this weird connection that tells us when the other is in the room, because her eyes seek out mine and I can see the shock curse through them.

I turn around and bolt out the door, unable to see her get up and move to follow me.

Maybe I should have stayed. Let her explain. But I couldn't blame her. I wouldn't blame if she wanted to move one. To be with someone who wouldn't damage her, break her. Make her scared of them.

I got to my car before speeding off, my heart shattering with every metre travelled.

I wish I stayed, because if I did, I would be able to see her burst onto the street, yelling for me to come back.

 _Thanks for reading!_

 _Please review and as always….brutal honesty is appreciated xx_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thank-you all for your wonderful reviews and to those that have made alerts for this story! I'm also assuming you guys don't mind if I alternate P.O.V?_

 _Also, my line breaks don't appear to be working, so I'm just going to use_ _ **LINSTEADLINSTEADLINSTEAD**_ _to show there is a line break._

 _Please mind the mistakes_ _?_ _._

CHAPTER 3

Erin's P.O.V

I couldn't sleep.

I've been tossing and turning all night. Looking at the time, rolling over, and then looking at it again, only to discover 10 minutes had passed.

His face in that small miniscule moment haunts me. To see his beautiful face, break in an instant, all because of something he had no understanding of, ruined me.

The guy was innocent. He was completely and utterly gay. Michael, his name, saw that I wasn't having a great night and offered to buy me a drink. I couldn't say no, his blazing eyes reminding me silently of Jay's.

Of course, no eyes could ever be like Jay's, or have the same effect.

I chased after him, hoping that I could stop him, explain to him. But he just drove.

And I couldn't shake the feeling that when I saw him again, it would never be the same.

He feels like I betrayed him. But did I? Our relationship is in total limbo; I'm allowed to have a drink with someone if I want to.

But then I reminded of Jay's face. The moment where he had a gut-wrenching realisation, that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't forgive him. That we couldn't work past this.

I stared at the glowing red numbers; **04:17.**

It's irrational to go see him at 4am. Right? I sighed deeply.

"Screw it!" I throw off the comforter, stuffing my feet in my ugg's and hastily make my way to the door, grabbing the keys on the way.

I am going to see him. Even if I have to wait until the sun graces us with its presence.

 **LINSTEADLINSTEADLINSTEAD**

I walk down Will's hallway, losing confidence with every step.

"I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." I mutter softly to myself

I raise a hand to the door, gaining one final surge of courage, before I knock.

The door opens in a hurry before my hand connects with the door.

"Jay?" A panicked Will questions.

"Why are you looking for Jay?" I asked confused

"He's missing."

"What do you mean he's missing Will. He's your damn brother, who by the way, is sleeping here. How could you not know where he is!"

"Calm down," he tries to say soothingly.

"Don't tell me to calm down. My boyfriend is missing!"

"You two haven't been acting in a relationship this past week," he throws back in face pointedly.

"You don't get to use that. We had a disagreement. He felt he needed time. I wanted him to talk to me, but he wasn't ready. But I am here now, so where is he?"

"I don't know. We got into an argument at the hospital and I told him that he should try and fix things with you, but he told me to mind my own business."

"Dammit Will! You can't push him into giving you information. You should know that pushing Jay to do something, regardless of whether he wants to do it or not, is not the best approach!" I say, beginning to lose my temper.

"I know, okay! I just lost sight of that. But now I can't find him. He never came home after I texted him that you wanted to meet him at Molly's. He is not even answering my phone calls." He states panicked.

"What exactly did you say?"

He avoids my eyes, before opening the door wider; "Why don't you come in? It's freezing out and I would rather not have this conversation with my brother's girlfriend outside."

I follow him into the house, panic creeping up within me. We sit solemnly on the couch.

"What did you say Will?" I ask after a moment of pained silence.

"I basically told him that he wasn't fighting hard enough for you. And that I couldn't understand why he wouldn't fight harder." He replies, almost shamefully

"Well that's not bad, right?" I ask back, almost naïve.

"It's what he replied with that makes me ashamed."

"What did he say Will?" I was almost afraid to hear his answer.

"He said he was broken. And that he wasn't worth fighting for. I can't get his face out of my head Erin. The moment he spoke those words and the pained eyes that accompanied them, will forever haunt me."

I could feel the tears begin to form in my eyes.

"He has always been the one person I could depend on. To give me strength when I was weak. But in the moment Erin, I've never seen someone look so pained."

My cheeks became moist. The tears gradually escaping.

"He came to Molly's. To talk to me. But I was having a laugh with someone else. It was completely innocent. But Jay didn't stick around long enough for me to tell him that."

"He came to Molly's?"

"After I came to see him at the hospital and you told me that you would tell him to meet me at Molly's, I went straight there and waited for him. But I guess after two hours, people begin to notice that your alone. So Michael bought me a drink. He made it very clear at the start that he was gay. So I let him buy me a drink."

"You did nothing wrong Erin." Will replies earnestly.

"I told him that I had boyfriend, even though Jay and I's relationship is in total limbo." I continue, not hearing Will.

"Erin, it's okay!"

"No, it's not! He walked out because he felt that he needed to sort out his problems on his own. And the first sign of me still caring about him, ends with him walking into a bar where I was having a drink with another man."

"Erin, take a deep breath. It's okay. We are going to find Jay. Hell, he is probably at the district, taking out his frustration on paperwork. When you see him, you can explain to him what he saw, that is was nothing to stress over. I promise, this can be fixed."

I let his words sink in. There was nothing to stress out over. Technically, Jay has no right to be mad about what happened. He's the one that walked out. But there was a part of me that was worried that we couldn't come back from this.

"If you think he's at the district, why haven't you rung his desk phone," I ask suddenly.

"I figured that if he didn't want to answer my phone calls on his cells, once he heard my voice on his work or desk phone, he would hang up. I figured waiting for him to come home was the best option," he replies.

"And stressing yourself out in the process?"

"I guess part of why he isn't talking to me is because I pushed him too far. I think I deserve a little radio silence."

I nod. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Maybe it was because I'm a cop, and I'm programmed to always think the worst, maybe it was because he's my partner, or maybe even because he is the love of my life, but I just couldn't shake the horrible feeling that something happened to Jay.

I stood up, thanking Will for telling me and reassuring me. Even though it did little to help heed my apprehension on whether something has happened to Jay.

I am walking to the front door when Will's voice calls me back.

"Will you let me know that I'm sorry. And that I want to talk to him again. If you see him at the district, that is."

I nod, softly smiling, before closing the door and walking back to my car.

I slide slowly into my car, shutting the door quietly, mindful of the strangers sleeping around me. I lean my head back against the headrest, gripping the steering wheel at the same time.

"Where are you Jay Halstead?

 **LINSTEADLINSTEADLINSTEAD**

I got into work uncharacteristically early, hoping to talk to Jay and explain what happened before anyone else got there.

But as I made my way up the Bullpen's stairs, I knew he wasn't there. I didn't get that fluttering feeling in my stomach, or the electric pull towards him. He just wasn't there.

I was tempted to call him from Hank's desk, but decided against it. It was still six thirty in the morning, he still had and an hour-and-a-half to get to work before he was deemed late.

It was 7 when Hank arrived, his eyebrows raised in confusion when he saw me there, already sitting at my desk.

"Since when do you grace this unit with your presence before 7:59am?" he asks jokingly.

I tried to smile, reply with something sarcastic. It is after all, not often that you hear Hank joke, especially given recent circumstances. But my eyes were trained to Jay's desk, my leg bouncing with nerves.

Hank cocks his head before walking back to grab Ruzek's chair and pulling it up to my desk. He leans back against the chair to his usual sitting position.

"What's wrong kiddo?"

I stare at his face, trying to decide if I should burden him with my problems. Problems which cross the strictly professional line.

As if he knew what I was thinking, he spoke again.

"I know I said that you and Halstead had to keep it strictly professional at work, but you matter to me. And I know that you also matter to Jay, even if he has a funny way of showing it lately. Talk to me kid."

"Have you heard from Jay?" I ask, dodging his question

"Not since last night."

"Last night? What happened last night?" I ask, confused.

A confused look crosses Hank's face; "Well after he and I talked here, he was heading to Molly's to see you. I figured you guys weren't successful in your talk and that's why you're here early."

I contort my face, confusion and panic sweeping through me.

"He didn't come to see you last night," Hank said, leaning back in the creaky chair.

"No, he did. He came into the bar and saw something that was completely innocent. He jumped to conclusions and just left. I tried to chase after him, but he just sped off. I went over to Will's at 4am, but when Will opened the door, he was expecting Jay. He hasn't seen Jay since he was at the hospital. He is missing Hank!" The panic finally unleashing within my voice.

"Don't panic. He is a highly trained and knows how to defend himself. We do not need to panic. He is probably just clearing his head."

Hank was doing a poor job of trying to keep me calm. I began to find it hard to breath. The urge to hyperventilate was increasing with my every strangled breath.

"Erin…. Erin…. ERIN!" he yelled, grabbing my shoulders.

"We do not need to panic. He is fine. I'll give him till nine this morning, before we can start to panic. Okay?"

I nod my head, but the words passing straight over me. I don't know why we had to wait until till we started to panic. The last time he was seen was yesterday. And I've tried pinging his phone, but it's turned off. I got desperate and tracked down Abby.

Just thinking her name made me want to vomit. But he wasn't with her. I rang her to ask, acting as if I wasn't Erin Lindsay, the girl whose relationship got destroyed because of dear ole' Abby. But Abby hadn't seen him since he walked out on her at the bar. I'm not going to lie, it gave me a bit of satisfaction.

But it also meant that no one had seen Jay Halstead since yesterday. And the way his face crumpled when he saw me and the argument he had with Will, something told me that he was not okay.

You know when you get that horrible, gut wrenching feeling when you know something has happened. That's what I am feeling. I so desperately wanted to convey that to Hank, but he wasn't going to be interested until 9am.

I just don't know whether the damage will have been done by the time 9am came.

 **LINSTEADLINSTEADLINSTEAD**

It was **08:59am.**

I had kept my eyes trained on the stairs, hoping to see his beautiful face. But it never came.

First there was Olinksy, then Atwater. Ruzek and Burgess arrived together and normally, I would have been intrigued by that development, but I was too busy moving my eyes from the stairs to the clock on my computer screen to really care.

Everyone asked where Jay was, bagging him out for being late, but I couldn't say anything. I just watched the time tick closer to Hank's deadline.

I turned my head towards Hank's office and saw him silently staring at his phone. Almost as if he was praying for it to ring.

"Yo Linds! Can you stop with the leg? It's interrupting my thinking capacity," asked Atwater, whilst sharing a fist bump with Ruzek.

I ignored his passing comment and watch the digits on the computer finally move to read 09:00am.

I saw Hank move out of his chair and towards the bullpen, dragging the whiteboard pushed to the side with him.

"We know the rules. Unless they have been missing for 48 hours and have been reported missing, then we do not investigate. But this time, it's personal. Jay's been missing since 9pm last night. His phone has been turned off and his brother hasn't heard from him or seen him."

As soon as Jay's name exited Hank's mouth, our entire unit had their interest piqued.

"What do you mean he is missing?" asked Ruzek confused

I stand up, moving to next Hank before replying to him.

"Jay has been missing since last night. No-one has heard from him and normally, it wouldn't bother us. But this past week, he has been in a fragile state and we are worried. I'm worried."

"Fragile state?" asked Atwater

I look over at Hank, debating with myself whether I should tell everyone what happened. It's our business and they don't need to know. But if telling them could help us find Jay, then it's a price I am willing to pay. I just hope Jay can forgive me.

If we find him that is.

"We don't need to pretend that all you don't know that something has happened between me and Jay this past week. I know you all have been dodging us, trying to give us space. And I appreciate that."

I take a deep breath before continuing.

"Last week, Jay's ex-wife who he thought he signed divorce papers for, came back saying that they were still married."

I hear the shockwave of gasps revolve around the bullpen.

"She brought up a lot of past issues for Jay. PTSD issues. Jay thought that the best way for him to deal with them was to do it alone. But last night, he and Will got into an argument and with me also, kind of. And now he is missing. So I would appreciate if you could help me find him. Because I am worried and I love him and I can't lose him. I won't be able to cope if anything happens to him."

I scan my eyes around the faces of my colleagues, noticing all of the shell-shocked expressions.

"I know that Jay and I always maintain being professional at work. But now I am begging you. Help me bring him home."

I see Olinsky walk over to stand next me, before grabbing my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"I've got your back kid. We'll find him."

The man has been through so much this past month and yet, here he is, comforting me in my time of need.

 **LINSTEADLINSTEADLINSTEAD**

We had been at it for hours. Calling everyone Jay had ever known, visiting every place he had ever been to. Nothing.

It was as if he had dropped off the face of earth.

I moved from my desk to the break-room; refilling my coffee cup for the seventh time today. As I wait it, I lean my clenched hands on the bench.

All I could think about was the moments that Jay and I shared in the very same room. The lingering glances and soft touches. The declarations of love and gentle kisses.

I need those, like I need air to breath. I need Jay. I need his words of love and encouragement. I just need him to be here.

I don't know how long I stood the tears begun to form droplets on the bench.

I don't know how many times I have broken down cried over him. Over the state of our relationship.

I can't keep crying. I don't have it in me to keep crying. But the only thing that prevent my tears, are the arms of the man who I love. The same man who is still missing.

I hear the shuffling of feet enter the breakroom. I know whose they are without having to look-up.

"I'm okay, you know. You don't have to catch me every time I fall Hank. "

"I know that. But a parent's job is to always be there to catch the kids. Even if they do everything to ensure that you're not waiting at the bottom for them."

I look up at him, my tear stained cheeks scrunched in pain, before rushing over to him and pulling him tightly in a hug.

I shouldn't be doing this at work, but I just needed comfort. And by Hank reciprocating, it tells me that it's okay.

"We are going to find him Erin. Even if we have to scour every corner of the globe. I'm going to bring him home."

I nod softly into his shoulder, wishing more than anything that I could believe him. But who was I kidding. I wouldn't believe him until it was Jay whose shoulder I was crying into.

"I just want to see him. Even if it's just to tell him that I love him, and that I'll be here, no matter how far he pushes me away."

He soothingly moves his hand through my hair. Trying to comfort me in the only way he knew.

"Was there ever a place, where Jay said he would go, if he ever needed to get away?" he asks softly.

I shake my head in his shoulder, before replying with a muffled voice.

"He would normally go to Wisconsin, to his Grandfather's cabin. But he hasn't been seen in the area."

"What about here. Any place in the city where he would go?"

"Don't you think that if I knew I would still be here and not there!" I say, pulling out of his arms.

"Just think Erin."

"That's all I have been doing! I've have racked my brain for everything. Everywhere he has ever told me, I have checked. Everywhere he has ever been, I have checked. He hasn't been seen! Everywhere we have been, I have che-"

I freeze, a moment of realisation washing over me.

"Oh my god! How could I be so stupid."

I rush out of the room, my coffee forgotten. As I race past my desk and hastily pick up my jacket, everyone stands.

"Erin, where are you going? Have you caught a lead?"

I race down the stairs, yelling over my shoulder as I go; "I have a hunch."

I race past Platt, ignoring her and her desperate need for answers.

I throw myself into the truck and pull out my phone, hurriedly texting Will.

 **To Will Halstead, 16:45pm.**

I have a hunch as to where Jay is. I will keep you updated.

I pull away from the curb, lights and sirens blasting, most likely breaking every rule in the process.

I hope I'm right. I don't think I am going to alright if I am not.

 **LINSTEADLINSTEADLINSTEAD**

The sun has set by the time I arrive at my destination, the Chicago winter bringing night much earlier.

I step out of the truck, pulling my jacket tighter around my body, before I begin trepid steps towards the ocean.

As I get closer, I can feel the distinct pull in my stomach. The pull to him.

He's here.

My suspicions are confirmed when I see his car.

I walk further up, looking in every direction, hoping to see him.

It when I look to our spot, by the ocean edge, that I see the faint outline of a person.

It's Jay.

I walk slowly over to him, making enough noise to let him know he has company. I stop short two metres away from him.

Without even looking, he speaks.

"I was hoping you would find me."

And just like that, the tears are unleashed.

I'm not a 100% happy with this chapter, but thanks for reading and please review.

Brutal honesty is always appreciated :).


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who reviews. First off, I just want to sincerely apologise for making you wait for over a month for this chapter. I just was not happy at all with how I had written, to the point where I have re-written it 6 times.

Secondly, I kinda lost my mojo with the repeatedly bad story lines on CPD and lack of continuity, but I recently watched 4x21 and I was inspired ?

I apologise for any mistakes. I just wanted to get this to you guys as soon as possible.

 **CHAPTER 4:**

Jay's P.O.V

Her sudden gushing of tears allows me to move for the first time in 12 hours. Despite my protesting joints, I close the short distance between us, pulling her into a crushing hold.

Moulding herself to me, I stroke her hair in a soothing motion. I feel her relax into me, her head finding its rightful place in the crook of my neck. The rest her body followed suit.

I don't know how long we stood there together, but I knew she came here for a reason. I owed her at least that.

Pulling away from Erin, I cupped my hands around her face. Her puffy eyes giving away the pain and anguish that I have put her through these last few weeks. Using my calloused thumbs, I wiped away her remaining tears.

"I suppose we should talk," I state, rather than ask.

"That's why I came," she replied with a sniffle.

I guide her to the ledge that I had just previously vacated and we sit. The silence consumes the air around us.

It's Erin who breaks the unwanted silence first.

"Why here? Out of all the places you could have gone, you came here. Why?"

Dodging her question, I pathetically attempt at humour to distract here; "And just who did you call to find out where I was?"

The look I received was enough to tell me that my humour, although pathetic, was not wanted.

I continue to stare at her delicate face, before turning my head away to view the crashing of the waves.

"This is the only place I have ever felt a peace."

"Why?"

I take deep breath before replying, the obvious nature of what I say very poignant in my tone.

"You don't remember this place?"

"Of course, I remember. It's why I am here and not back at the District, looking for you. But you could have gone anywhere, Wisconsin even. You've always felt safe there"

I smirk a little at her response. The pathetic attempt of a slap that I receive to my arm informs me that it wasn't appreciated.

"There is where I realised that I loved you. The place where I realised I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you."

I can see the shock passes through Erin's eyes. I've never told her any of this. We never really discussed the moment we knew we were in love with each other. As far as Erin was concerned, she knew I was in love with her, when I spoke those three perfect words in return for hers.

 ** _~4 months ago~_**

 _"Dammit Jay Halstead, where are you taking me?"_

 _I had my hands covering her eyes, almost tempted to remove them, but it was to funny watching her be out of the loop. Besides, I wanted to keep this a surprise and watch her face when she realises where we are._

 _I laugh at her screwed up face. But I could see beyond the attempted frown, the hint of happiness seeping through. I knew she was curious as to where we were. I'm surprise she hadn't already guessed based on the sounds surrounding us._

 _I pulled her to a stop and she took a deep intake of breath._

 _"You know, I could have tripped. Fallen over with blood gushing out of my injury. Then the entire date would have been ruined."_

 _Shaking my head, I moved behind her, untying the blindfold. Just as it was removed from her eyes, I whispered softly in her ear;_ " _I thought you knew by now. I would never let you fall."_

 _Her soft gasps allowed me to see that she was impressed. Almost surprised that I remembered._

 _"You remembered," she stated softly_

 _"Course I did. I remember everything you tell me." I reply into her ear, our cheeks pressed together tenderly._

 _It was then that she noticed the picnic that I had set-up in the brief time I asked to wait in the car._

 _"What are you up to Jay Halstead?"_

 _"We've had a rough few cases recently. I just wanted to bring back my favourite smile."_

 _She turns and wraps her arms around my neck, her hands playing with the hair at the nape of my neck._

 _"Well, you're doing a damn good job." She leans up to kiss me, but something catches her nose._

 _"Is that_ Jack's Famous Wings and Sandwiches _that I smell?"_

 _"Nothing could ever get passed you and your nose!"_

 _I watch her do a little squeal, before she bounds off to the blanket._

 _Before I join, I watch her bask in her happiness. It these moments, the small insignificant moments that make me appreciate the beauty of life. Of my life. Of how I am exceedingly lucky that I get to call her my partner in life._

 _"Jay! Come on, otherwise I will eat them all!"_

 ** _~Present~_**

"It really was the perfect day," Erin states.

I let the moment of silence pass between us, before she repeats her earlier question.

"But it still doesn't explain why you feel safe here?"

"Do you remember after we ate? You had your head in my lap, and you were talking about the future? It's the first time that I ever really hear you talk about your future, especially when I am around. But anyway, I was looking at you, and it was if I was seeing you for the first time. The fading sun shaped your face so perfectly, the tiny breeze blowing your hair slightly."

Erin closes her eyes, almost as if she was picturing that moment.

"And then the sprinklers came on."

I watch her laugh. Its infectious nature causing me to smile.

 ** _~4 months ago~_**

 _She squeals as the water bursts from the sprinkles. I had expected her to demand we go home, but like always, she surprises me with what she does next._

 _"Come on!" Erin stands from her position in my lap and runs further into the sprinklers._

 _"What are you doing?" I laugh before joining her._

 _She stands with her arms outstretched, taking a deep breath with every drop that hits her face._

 _"We work in an industry where we don't what could happen when we turn a corner. We spend far too much time worrying about what the next hour, day or week bring. We sometimes forget to live in the moment. So, this is what I want to do today. I want to live in the moment with you. You gave me the most perfect date. You took me to a place where I've always wanted to go. Even brought my favourite wings. And now, here we are, alone at Promontory Point, dancing in the sprinklers. I want to live in this moment with you. I want this day to be one that I will remember for the rest of my life."_

 _In that moment, I knew that I loved her. I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I want to live life's smallest moments with her._

 _I pull her into a searing kiss, our tongues battling for dominance. My arms wrap around her waist, pulling her impossibly close. We continue this dance until breathing becomes a matter of urgency._

 _She pulls away first. Her forehead resting on mine. I open my eyes only to see hers closed. A delicate smile formed._

 _The next thing I know, her arms have moved to my waist, her fingers jabbing my ribs. The very spot that I am extremely ticklish in._

 _"Oh, you're on!" I chase after her, with only our laughter being heard for miles._

 ** _~Present~_**

"I know I haven't been the most forthcoming about my past. There are things that I don't talk about, but know that I should. And I know I sound like a hypocrite right now, because I remember telling you that nothing left hidden is ever worth it, but…." I let my voice fade off.

"I can't imagine what you've seen Jay. You have experienced far worse horrors than most people can imagine."

"You've experienced your own horrors Erin."

"Yeah I have. And most days, I still do deal with them. But ever since I was 16, I never had to do it alone."

Erin loops her arm through mine, her head resting on my shoulder. It was the closest we had been in weeks.

"You never had a decent father Jay. Something we have in common. You joined the Army, saw things no one should ever have to. Came back to find out that your mum had cancer and only had a few short months to live. You were the only one left to care for her."

The tears that I have desperately tried to keep at bay all day, begin to form in my eyes.

"You went back for a second tour. You left as one person and came back a different one. No one blames you for how you dealt with what you saw. You made stupid mistakes. But you realised what you were doing before it was too late. You made something of yourself Jay Halstead."

"Why are you trying to defend what I did. I left, when I shouldn't have."

"Because that's how you cope. It's how I cope. People would say that makes us bad for each other. But I believe that's what makes us right for each other. Because you Jay Halstead, are the man I run to whenever I am in need. And you are always there. So let me be there for you."

She lifts her head from my shoulder and instead, places her hands on either side of my face. I can see her tears. She was doing nothing to hide them.

"I should have tried harder to get you to stay. I should've fought harder for you. For us. That was my mistake. Thinking that what you were doing was for the best. But when I couldn't find you today, I almost lost it. I realised that I could never live a life, where you don't exist. Your it for me Jay Halstead."

I pull her into a searing kiss. Our tears combining and never escaping.

"I'm broken." I mumble against her lips

"But you're my beautifully broken mess."

I don't stop my tears. Erin wipes as they come gushing down.

"We take this step-by-step. We get you help. We do it together. And eventually, we'll find our way back to each other."

She returns her head to my shoulder, her arm finding its way to be entwined with mine.

Together we watch as the sun goes down and as I rest my head atop of hers, I find a defining moment of clarity.

No matter how far we push or pull each other.

We will still be each other's person.

Till the end of time.

 **A/N:** No, this is not the end. Although it did sound like it ?. I hope you enjoyed it and again, I am so sorry for the late update. I was just swarmed with school and lack of inspiration got the better of me. Please leave a review and as always, honesty is always appreciated.


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